Problem With Mother In Law? She Is Also A Woman.
Men never get it that there's a whole set of woman rules that they are locked out of. It's why women go to the bathroom in groups, why they seem to get things done so quickly, why they shop together and giggle over seemingly (to a guy) trivial things.
While men work together in one way, often competing rather than meshing, women work together in a completely different way. This is made really clear if you've ever gone over to a friend's house for the Superbowl: without being asked or talking about it, the women work in the kitchen making snacks, the men lounge in front of the television seemingly feeling no remorse at not working. (And that's because they don't!)
While these rules are taken for granted when you are with friends, somehow the wires get crossed when you're dealing with a mother in law. There are good reasons: She's related to you through your husband, a man, and something in your subconscious mind associates her with him rather than the other women you know. She's from an older generation and sees the world with different eyes than yours. If you have a difficult relationship with your mom, some of those feelings may transfer over to your mother in law.
The result: you treat her differently from other women, and she does the same to you. Different, in the world of woman rules, is exclusionary you feel rejected. So does she. You need to unravel those mixed feelings and start understanding one another in order to repair this problem.
Here are some things to do relate better to your mother in law:
Start by helping her out in the kitchen without being asked, and without asking her if you can help. Just show up in the door and say, What needs to be done? If she turns you down, insist that you'd like to help, but you don't know how she does things. Most mothers in law will take you up when you've made it clear that she is the boss; if she doesn't, let it go, but invite her to help when she comes to your house.
Do things with her that you do with your friends to bond: shopping, lunch, the art museum, or going to a play date. Talk to her about her life, her friends, what she does when she's not around you. In other words, quit looking at her as a mother in law and start looking at her as a person. She's bound to be an interesting person you will bond with; after all, she raised your husband, and you love him!
If she turns you down, don't give up right away; just keep inviting her, especially in circumstances when you can include her grandchildren. If she has daughters, try to do things with your sisters in law that include her. Ask your husband for advice on what she likes, and try that.
Sometimes nothing will work, and in that case, just letting it go is best. But most of the time, you'll find that you both like one another, and you can develop a great relationship, even a true friendship, that will enrich your lives and make your family a more tightly bonded group.
About the Author: Shevach Pepper is the founder and moderator of http://www.valuable-family-relationships-advice.com. Visit there and discover more ways to save and enhance relationships with your mother in law and other family members. YOU and your whole family will be happy that you did!
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